The Ten Stages of Potty Training

Your child is showing ‘signs’ they’re ready to potty train. These signs are generally developing a fascination with bodily functions and thus the start of finding anything relating to poo, wee and farts somewhat hilarious. However, as a parent, you will go through ten stages when tackling what is to be the most stressful time of your life.

Stage One: Fear. You consult books, internet forums, friends, neighbours and strangers. You convince yourself your child isn’t ready yet and quite possibly never will be. scared photo:  dnw.gif

Stage Two: Anticipation. You’ve procured as many packs of stickers as is humanly possible and have erected a wall-size reward chart in every room of the house. You try to suppress the fear and muster some excitement by imagining how many extra bottles of wine you’ll be able the buy yourself with the money you save on nappies.

Stage Three: Despondency Despite the mild optimism from the night before, you have been slowly drained of all energy due to following a toddler around the house repeatedly asking the same question every forty seconds, clearing up ‘nearly theres’ and ‘almost made its’. You question whether you have made the right decision as all the soft furnishings begin to smell faintly of urine. headache photo: headache tumblr_lugx9dvBDb1qkz937.gif

Stage Four: Total despair. Despite the fact you have spent one years salary on potty training equipment, the toddler continues to urinate like a drunk leaving a scent trail throughout the house. peeing photo: Peeing iaza12431551773100.gif
Stage Five: Elation You almost resorted to some sort of capital punishment a number of times and suffered stress-related hair loss, but the urinating toddler finally makes it in time, with only the smallest of spillage. You’ve never felt happiness like it in your life. excitement photo: Excitement! lemon-happyrunaway1_zpsca0b7ec9.gif

Stage Six: Back to despair. The next day. desperation photo: Random 23 Random23.gif

Stage Seven: Relief. Your house looks like a sticker bomb has exploded all over the walls and you resorted to bribery with every confection known to (wo)man, but you’ve managed a few days of dryness and there’s hope that you might just be emerging triumphantly on the other side. relief photo: distraught relief distraughtRelief.gif

Stage Eight: Return of the fear. This hits you like a sledge hammer at every opportunity, especially when considering a) actually leaving the house b) dealing with the ongoing pooing problem and c) night time training. You resort back to complete denial and convince yourself that this shouldn’t be attempted at any cost. gagging photo: Gagging! tumblr_m8bq3zrWym1rd2qw6o1_400.gif

Stage Nine: Clearing out. Due to the house smelling like the gent’s public lavatories, you decide to have a clear out. Disposing of the sofa is the only way to rid the house of the malodour. nuclear explosion photo:  gifbombZer0.gif

Stage Ten: Smuggness. Just like childbirth, you forget the pain, anguish and complete despair and freely impart all of your potty training wisdom on internet forums, to neighbours and to strangers all of whom are clearly showing signs of stage one.  Your toileting knowledge is impeccable and as far as you recall, it was all a complete piece of piss. smug photo: Smug mortricia tumblr_m81qq0sN0P1qigo7y.gif

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About theconsciouslyincompetentcamel

I am a Dental Hygienist. A nice one. I have a major passion for periodontal disease and regularly feel joy at being up to my elbows in gum disease. I am also a mum of two wonderful kids. I can't say I took to motherhood easily but I'm settling on not being that perfect and hoping being good enough will keep them out of prison.
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6 Responses to The Ten Stages of Potty Training

  1. milkamom says:

    Love this! Not quite there with my toddler, but I can’t wait to get to the “smug” phase!

  2. Got peed on twice today. Firmly in stage 4 :’(

  3. lillybuff says:

    This definitely sums the dreaded ‘potty training’ up! I’m lingering between stages 3 and 4 at the moment! I’ve never got to the smug stage even with my 6 yr old!!!

  4. Elizabeth says:

    We practice responsive toiletting (EC) so we don’t have to do potty training. Sounds smug, but is actually a two year lesson in humility. Nothing like explaining that your child doesn’t need a nappy then having them pee down your front!

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